Background Rant - Depression Journal Day 1

Hello, words on a wall, this is me, a fabulous, imaginative and creative strange fuck. And I've fallen into a state of depression, again. The purpose of this blog is to see if I can scientifically and methodically pull myself out of depression through incrementally counting the positives and little achievements. My whole fucked up family has the habit of talk talk talk and no action, because they are all afraid of the reality of being a sore loser. My dad is terribly scared of needing to act and make a decision, carrying on with action and decision, therefore he uses his imaginative mind to elevate his sanity above the current situation so he is omnipotent to the problem and so doesn't need to solve any real problems at hand, thinking he is above all and the problems will disappear by themselves. My mom belongs in the psychiatric ward most of the times. Hard to explain, I'll post a recording of my mom's verbal blood bath at some point when and if it happens (which it definitely will) again in the future.

Anyway, that's kind of a part of the background setting of my life. You may ask, why don't I cut the umbilical cord with them? I'm in my late 20s with stable public sector job, 6 figures of savings. Financially it's not an issue. I don't know. I'm too emotionally needy I suppose. Or actually, I'm just too kind. I can't bring myself to cut the psychological umbilical cord with them since I refuse to stop seeing them as one with me. "Once a parent always a parent". Yea I don't know. I don't have an answer for that. 

So yes, unsupportive, un-understanding parents are a major source of my depression. And yet I can't cut my ties. 

Also, I have a 9 month old baby. My baby's really cute, and I really love my baby. I absolutely HATE being a mom. My personality isn't suited to being a mom. My mom tricked me into keeping the baby. I was confused so I didn't do anything about it, and of course, as per biology class, once the term is due, the baby pops out. She wants a grandbaby. But she never had to be a "mom" to me. We lived with my paternal grandmother who cooked and played with me since I was born until we left China when I was 10. My mom did jackshit in those years. Absolutely no child raising. With this baby, initially before the baby was born, all she thought about was cute and fun and love and having a real go at parenthood, maybe re-raise a baby again, she can take her to the church, whatever, etc. I don't know why, she doesn't know why. But she's always had her way through the last 30 years I've known her, so not surprisingly she'll have her way now too. But I think the baby is teaching her a lesson too at how ignorant and little she knows, and how incapable she is as a person altogether. 

Oh yes, I'm mostly back with them because I need help with the baby. That too. Why do I need their help? I'm lazy, and I don't want a baby badly enough at this point in my life to overcome my laziness. I'm not suited to have a baby, at least not right now. Having something mandatory that changes my lifestyle in a way that I despise isn't helpful in "you must overcome your laziness" as per my mother. It just makes me want to walk out of my life. But as I've said before. I'm too kind, and I have too strong a sense of responsibility to walk out of my baby's life, unlike my mom when I was a baby. 

Now you see the intertwine of almost everything that is bad and hard to solve (cannot be immediately resolved right now). This sets the basis for this blog and my depression. The real purpose here though, is to account all the things I've completed each day to quantitatively mark my progress so I can comeback and re-assess/re-evaluate over longer periods of time, without suffering to long term memory loss.